Happy Gluttony Day!

It is the time of year, again, when our thoughts turn to cramming as much food and liquor into ourselves as possible, and then watching football until we pass out from a tryptophan and whiskey overdose. There are less cynical voices, however, that tell us that our thoughts turn to family, friends, and enumerating our various and sundry blessings.

With an economy in tailspin and two wars proceeding apace, there seems little to be thankful for this year. Even the prospect of escaping our everyday worries with a little rampant consumerism is off the table; as home foreclosures and the national jobless rates rise, shopping--that last great talent bred into every American--has quickly become more a matter of need and less a matter of want.

Take heart, friends, for there is yet a bright beam of light that pierces this expanding gloom in the national consciousness. There is still one wondrous thing for which we may yet give thanks: Ann Coulter broke her jaw, and is to have it wired shut.

The New York Post's Page 6 reports today that "Although we didn't think it would be possible to silence Ann Coulter, the leggy reactionary broke her jaw and the mouth that roared has been wired shut." Sadly, this is all there is to the report. No word on how she broke it, when, or how she sobbed and writhed in agony as a result of this injury.

This lack of information (added to the fact that the Post is my main source) suggests this story is untrue. I will choose to believe it, however, because these days, on this Thanksgiving, at this defining moment, I choose to place my hand on the arc of history and bend it toward a better holiday.

Jump-start your Career Today!

DUBAI (Reuters) - Somali pirates have captured a fully laden Saudi supertanker far off east Africa, seizing the biggest vessel ever hijacked with a cargo of oil worth over $100 million in an attack that pushed world crude prices higher.

The International Maritime Bureau, a piracy watchdog, said there had been 92 pirate attacks off Somalia this year and 36 of the ships had been hijacked. Fourteen ships are still controlled by pirates and 243 crew members are being held.

Pleasant tidings!

Congratulations on your decision to explore the world of piracy on the high seas. Ours is a most unusual career in this day and age, and no doubt your family and friends will try to steer you clear of such a choice of profession.

"It's dangerous, you'll get maimed or killed, you'll contract dysentery and scurvy" are all things my parents told me when I related my dreams and aspirations. My friend, don’t you let others stand in the way of your goal for one minute!

In fact, that’s what being a pirate is all about: seeing your goal in sight, and going after it with all your energy! Don’t let some Dutch midshipman slow your forward momentum by allowing him to quote international maritime law.

I can see that you’re a motivated individual. You have come this far, and have requested an information packet and introductory DVD. Please find them enclosed.

The next step is to tell us more about who you are; to that end, please complete this brief quiz and return it to our foundation. Try to answer as honestly as possible!

How many languages do you speak?
(a) One
(b) Two
(c) More than three
(d) I lost the use of my tongue/vocal cords long ago

How did you hear about the International Pirates and Freebooting Foundation, Ltd.?
(a) From a friend/relative (if associated with the Foundation, please supply their name)
(b) Found you on the web
(c) Read your ad in Parade magazine
(d) A mysterious man from Macao “suggested” I look you up

In addition to material compensation, what do you hope to achieve for yourself with regard to your particular skill set?
(a) To work effectively within a team to achieve group-based goals
(b) To put my problem-solving skills to good use in helping others
(c) To utilize my managerial talents and lead the group to its overall objective
(d) The respect and admiration of my colleagues is reward enough for me

What, in your view, best describes modern-day pirates?
(a) He (or she) is a romantic throwback to the days of European imperialism and colonialism, sticking his (or her) finger in the eye of so-called authority
(b) Pirates are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent
(c) Rum
(d) We’re no strangers to love—you know the rules, and so do I

What is your weapon of choice?
(a) A cutlass, hook, poignard or other quaint melee item
(b) Any small to medium sized NATO or Warsaw Pact firearm
(c) Rum
(d) Legal red tape

On the back, please describe, in 300 words or fewer, why you would be an asset to the International Pirates and Freebooting Foundation, Ltd. Please also include your e-mail address, and your MySpace or Facebook page, if applicable.

A representative will be in touch with you shortly. May fortune smile upon you!

Warmest Regards, from Dick Cheney

13 November, 2008

It is with a dread foreboding and protective eye toward the safety of my family that I, Joseph Robinette Biden, United States senator, put pen to paper in an attempt to relate what eldritch evil I encountered at Number One Observatory Circle on this date.

My impression, as we left my home state of Dela-ware, was that we were leaving the east, and entering the west. The district I was to enter is the capital of this nation, just on the borders of two states--Virginia and Mary-land, one of the wildest and least enjoyable portions of America.

I, with my wife Jill in attendance, were to oversee a ritualistic transference of some property, some real estate, as the notorious and eccentric boyar of that region, the vice president, prepared to abdicate the power of his office to me, his replacement in that position.

Having arrived by coach, Jill and I stood upon the steps of his manse as the vice president greeted us, in a formal manner still used by the people of that district: "I am Dick Cheney. I bid you welcome."

By all outward appearances, the property had been maintained to a certain degree, but it was not until we had crossed the threshold that it became clear of the greater attention to the decor required: the vice president pushed through a curtain of cobwebs in the corner of the foyer. "The spider, spinning his web for the unwary fly...The blood is the life, Senator Biden."

Refreshments were served forthwith, an attempt to soothe this awkward visitation. The vice president proffered a glass, saying "This is very old wine. I hope you will like it."

"Aren't you drinking?" I asked. The vice president responded, somewhat circumspectly, "I never drink...wine."

Conversation among us was polite, but the vice president seemed to engage in a perverse pleasure of creating some discomfiture in his guests. He took to telling my wife, with some amusement, about a controversial mishap he had on a recent hunting trip. One of his party was injured, the wounds he suffered having come at the hands of the vice president himself.

"Ah, but fear not, madam, for as we know, he lived," said the vice president, with some melancholy. "But to die, to be truly dead, that must be glorious!"

"Why, Mr. Vice President!," my wife exclaimed, casting me a sidelong glance.

"There are far worse things awaiting man, than death," said the vice president.

A tour of the many rooms commenced, a rather dismal and dark collection of rooms, I might add. Age had run its gnarled hand over seemingly every banister, hearth and clothing trunk throughout the place.

My wife, overcome with the gloom, and acutely affected by the strange company of our tour guide, observed "Lofty timbers, the walls around are bare, echoing to our laughter as though the dead were there...quaff a cup to the dead already, hooray for the next to die!"

We departed, finally, shaken by our meeting, feeling that we had made a narrow escape from the lair of some dark predator. Returned to the well-lit safety of our coach and making speed to Dela-ware, my wife laughed at her all-too-recent sense of doom about the vice president's home, and asked aloud why anyone should be so blighted with fear with regard to Mr. Cheney and his political office.

"The strength of the vice president is that people will not believe in his power," I said, observing myself in the coach's vanity mirror, noting that my hair had very recently gone a lighter shade of grey.

Ask Joe Q. Mouthbreather

The Republican party is in such dire straits these days that the RNC has opened a website imploring the Joe Lunchpails and Edith Housecoats of the nation to please, PLEASE submit any old crazy idea that might strengthen or advance their political party!

The website was, up until recently, an unmoderated affair, which allowed wonkette.com and their loyal fans to run up "truck nutz" as the top vote-getting suggestion. Apparently the Republican overlord SYSADMIN got wise to the prank and deleted democracy in action.

No matter. There is still time for anyone and everyone with a high-end 600 baud modem to connect to ARPANET and submit their virtual vote, electronically, with technology. The Republican party's apprehension of and execution with the Interwebs is well known and feared.

This web-wide cattle call is not much of a confidence booster--it suggests that party leaders feel things are so precarious right now that asking for everyone's two cents is a good idea. Admittedly, the failings of the penultimate right-wing architect of power, Karl Rove, suggest that the GOP will need to use more than fear and cut-throat tactics with regard to Republicans seeking office. Unfortunately, there is a huge gulf in terms of political ideology, with social conservatives on one side and the more moderate "big tent" adherents on the other.

Sarah Palin has finally gotten over her timidity and shyness with regard to seeking the spotlight, and is making it clear that she would be pleased as punch to carry the GOP banner in 2012. We already know her as a socially conservative right-wing Republican, but where fame and glory shift, so too will Sarah Palin. If the GOP decides it wants a more moderate approach, expect Palin to tone down her rhetoric. That seems difficult to believe, however, given that her latest interview on CNN questions Obama's (D, Illinois) association with blackhearted villain extraordinaire Bill Ayers.

Whatever. Degree-holding sasquatch Camille Paglia LOVES Palin, and rhapsodizes about Palin's many supernatural abilities in her Salon.com column: "So she doesn't speak the King's English -- big whoop! There is a powerful clarity of consciousness in her eyes. She uses language with the jumps, breaks and rippling momentum of a be-bop saxophonist."

Well, that's good enough for me!

Fear of a Black Planet

HOLY CRAP everyone, activate the animated GIF Drudge siren! I just discovered what sort of altruistic rainbow society I am living in here in Prescott, Arizona. The other day our best, and only, community newspaper ran a FRONT PAGE article, above the fold, about a person in the community who is a black guy. What did he do to garner such attention, you ask?

Is he a business owner with an opinion about revitalizing the local economy, a city council member with a comment about a zoning issue, or a fireman who rescued a kitten from a tree? My friends, he is none of these things. But what he is, is a black man, living in Prescott, Arizona. Yes, that's right, he's not just visiting. He LIVES here.

The article seems to be a combination profile piece, along the lines of "a day in the life of a black man", and some sort of story about the presidential election with the local angle of a black man who voted for another (partially) black man, Barack Obama (D, Illinois).

In Prescott, Arizona, folks don't hear tell of these persons of blackness much, except in movies and on the tee-vee. It was quite astonishing, then, to find one living within the city limits! And he has lived here for several years, I might add. Apparently, there are more than 100 black persons living in Prescott, Arizona. I think this qualifies our sleepy little hamlet as a hotbed of liberalism and racial equality.

The Hope Reich

Silly goose and congressman Paul Broun (R, Georgia) is flapping his arms and hooting madly to anyone who will listen that fiendish Chancellor Barack Obama (D, Illinois) will soon be sending his jack-booted goons into the streets of all American cities with orders to take away the guns of citizens, and, if there is time, to also take their money and redistribute it.

"It may sound a bit crazy and off base, but the thing is, he's [Obama] the one who proposed this national security force," said Rep. Paul Broun. "I'm just trying to bring attention to the fact that we may--may not, I hope not--but we may have a problem with that type of philosophy of radical socialism or Marxism."

Thank you for the warning, congressman! Yes, it does sound crazy indeed, but so did the idea of a black Muslim socialist president, and now look where we are today! Obama is feverishly working on building his private army for his New World Order. What is the purpose of this nefarious private army, and what sorts of brigands will populate its ranks? Who can say? But it certainly smacks of various tenets of socialism and Marxism, I guess.

"That's exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it's exactly what the Soviet Union did. When he's proposing to have a national security force that's answering to him, that is as strong as the U.S. military, he's showing me signs of being Marxist," said the congressman.

"We can't be lulled into complacency," Broun said. "You have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany. I'm not comparing him to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there is the potential of going down that road."

You said it, brother. If I've learned anything from American high art and culture, it's that this nation of God-fearing, red-blooded patriots can, when invaded by a combination of Russian and Cuban forces, scrabble together a couple of rifles and flashlights, flee into the wilderness and take down those who would oppose Lady Liberty. WOLVERINES!!

God to Palin: I want YOU for Prez!

America's most hated stand-up comedian, Sarah Palin (who is also a governor), told the muy macho Greta Van Susteren that God will show her the way into the White House.

"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is," Palin said.

Personally, I'm not what you'd call religious, but I imagine that prayers should be directed less toward personal gain and fulfilling one's own appetite of avarice. I also imagine prayers as being more formal in terms of language. I don't expect a recitation in keeping with the King James style, but I don't think that a garbled mish-mash of casual parlance and leet-speak is the way to go about it, either. "OMG God plz halp me get 2 the WH and well b BFF, kk?"

Still speaking of God as her doorman, Palin continued, "Even if it's cracked up a little bit, maybe I'll plough right on through that and maybe prematurely plough through it, but don't let me miss an open door."