Wine From Outer Space

Wine From Outer Space is intoxicating, unearthly and surprising. It's also where I write about whatever I choose, and that's nice.

12 December 2006

Football is Magic

American football is the most profitable spectator sport in the nation. According to Forbes Magazine, 2003 data show that the 32 NFL teams financial value total $20.1 billion. The average value for an NFL team is $628 million. In 2005, the regular season generated a record $5.2 billion in revenues.

NFL teams operate on the basis of a salary cap, which will amount to $116 million per team in 2007. This pool allows a supposed level playing field for teams to draw their talent in the form of players and coaches.

Given this structure of parity, teams must win often and win in spectacular fashion to keep their club at the top of the money list; signing marquee players is one way to do this. Teams who hire coaches with successful records is another means to building a solid and profitable club, at least in theory.

But it occurs to me that head coaches, at least in the eyes of most fans, are just mere mortals. The quarterback or star running back or receiver often is credited with the majority of a team's success, or failure.

Perhaps what's lacking in the NFL, and what might spark an even greater upswing in revenues and profits, is a display of supernatural powers on the sidelines. Hiring head coaches who bring witchcraft or pyromantic skills to the table might be of great interest to team owners, corporate sponsors and advertisers alike.

Psychic Medium
Play-calling becomes less a game of averages and confusing the opposing team by "mixing it up." Devise and revise game plans on the fly by concentrating your uncanny focus on the opposing team. Pluck their downy thoughts from the air like apples from a tree. Never leave yourself open to a flea-flicker or fake field goal again. Certainly your ability to shame the Vegas oddsmakers, and make you a tidy sum in the meantime, is a supplemental advantage. The NFL frowns on gambling, however.

The secretive order of the Rose + Cross requires that you remain cloaked and hooded at all times. Press conferences become a strange thing, as your cowled countenance and vox-modified responses replace the normal proceedings. Pulling the long and shadowy strands within a vast network of interconnected webs is your M.O. Toppling governments and inciting secret wars is now the purview of the CIA, but the Rosicrucians taught them how. Certainly going 16-0 and taking a SuperBowl ring home is within your power.

Blood Cult Priest
Beseech victory from the Blood God with your stone dagger and freshly extracted human heart. Coming across loads of drugged and vacant-eyed human sacrifices sounds like a tall order, but remember, you're at a football game. Maybe the fantasy league rules could be revised so that early drop-outs are given the honor of feeding the Blood God, or simply "recruit" some of the more festive tailgaters. You'll need a pretty decent physique, as your garb will consist mostly of a loincloth and gold and feathered headdress. Constitution of a high order will be required as well, especially for those November and December games in Green Bay and Chicago.

Follower of Cthulhu
Awaiting the return of the Elder Gods from the vastness of cold space takes a long time, so a coach of this mold should be considered to be in the "rebuilding" phase of a team. Fevered talk of great, cyclopean cities and ancient entities slumbering in the arctic wastes is quite normal. It may not win you a lot of games, but there's something to be said for motivating your team with species-born fear. Acolytes of the Great Old Ones are a little unbalanced and sometimes don't make a whole lot of sense when speaking to the media, but neither did Jim Mora, so don't sweat it.

Obviously, night games and closed-roof domes are the preference for the Nosferatu coach. But what you lack in terms of being the "outdoorsy type" is more than made up for by your absolute dominance of will. Cocky receivers and QB controversies will be a problem for other teams when you address your players by looking them straight in the eye. Calling forth fog, smoke or ravenous wolves will certainly put a crimp in the other team's game plan. When their safety is swarmed with rats or bats, it will make Theismann's MNF injury look like bloody good fortune.

Dark Jedi
Forsake the teachings of your mentor and travel the darker path to power. The lightning effects are pretty cool too. Telekinesis, mind control and flashy acrobatics benefit your team to a great degree, but personally your domestic relationships are colossally unhealthy (a rarity in this league).

Directing shambling, mindless zombies who smell of the moldering tomb is your strength, and we aren't speaking of the '76 Bucs. Draw on your eldritch knowledge of the dark arts to stop the run. Won't that tailback be surprised when, having broken free of your team's defense, he finds animated corpses clawing their way up through the field, their crypt-cold and fleshless hands seeking the warmth of living human blood. Fumble!