Dick Cheney Will Crush Your Head

Vice president Dick Cheney earlier this week checked into George Washington University Hospital, complaining of shortness of breath. Doctors speculated that this was a side-effect of the medication Cheney is taking for a foot problem. A New York media outlet recently ran
the headline, "Cheney Hospitalized, Power Not Transferred to Bush."

That might change, however, given the Vice President's odd behavior of late. A ranking physician at Bethesda Naval hospital attributes Cheney's bizarre conduct in the past few weeks to the same foot medication that sent the vice president to the hospital a few days ago.

"It's rare, but in some cases the anti-inflammatory, such as the vice president is taking, can create startling side-effects," said the doctor, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "Mood swings, auditory hallucinations, paranoia and a vague form of messianic complex have been
reported by some patients taking similar medication."

Cheney's curious actions first manifested in mid-November. The vice president, speaking before the U.S. House Judiciary Committee, began flexing his index finger and thumb in front of his face, whispering, "I crush your head. Crush, crush, crush, crush."

"At first I thought [Cheney] was joking; his love of absurdist humor is well known," said James Sensenbrenner, Jr., Chairman of the Judiciary Committee. "It soon became apparent, however, that something was wrong."

Capitol police officers were required to escort Cheney from the Rayburn House Office Building.

Asked at a press conference the following day about Cheney's remarks, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan may have tipped the administration's hand when he stated, "It is not our policy to comment on ongoing medical treatments."

The Washington rumor mill was at peak production that week. Many insiders speculated that Cheney was suffering from another heart-related ailment. In all, the vice president has had four heart attacks and has undergone quadruple bypass surgery, two angioplasties and a procedure to implant a pacemaker.

"It was scary," admitted a high-level White House source. "If Dick goes under the knife, then look who we've got waiting in the wings. George W. Bush is a good guy, don't get me wrong, but would you really want him running this country?"

In early December, Cheney spoke at a dinner honoring various German delegates, including several prominent industrialists from Berlin and Hamburg. The vice president's remarks started off innocuously enough, but the atmosphere of the room soon became tense when Cheney repeatedly banged his fist against the podium and called for "a return to the policies of Fahrvergnugen."

The last and most troubling episode took place just before Christmas, when the vice president lined the walls of his office with aluminum foil. "To repel the CIA's psychic satellite beams," said one Cheney aide regarding the recent redecorating. "I heard that [Cheney] told one staffer that he was the incarnation of the Rex Mundi, the king of the world. He said he'd use HAARP to influence the earth's telluric currents and turn California and Nevada into a floating casino."

HAARP, or the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, has an antenna array situated near Gakona, Alaska, to conduct research into and experiments regarding the earth's ionosphere.

A White House staffer with knowledge of the situation said, "I don't know if it's Iraq, I don't know if it's Katrina, I don't know if it's Scooter [Libby], but there's no question the vice president is not himself lately. He's been fine for the last week or so, so either they gave him new medication or they significantly upped the dosage."