Wine From Outer Space

Wine From Outer Space is intoxicating, unearthly and surprising. It's also where I write about whatever I choose, and that's nice.

05 May 2010

Let's all observe this package of gross pet snacks

Frankly I won't settle for any of the other convenience brands. When it comes to pork skin products for my pet--tragically, a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig--only Canyon Creek Ranch brand will do.

Admittedly the photo could be better, but the cowboy on the package, accompanied by possibly an Akita (or a spirit guide helping the cowboy find his soul mate), is ready for rustlin'. He appears to have his lasso in the ready position as he closes in on...what? A vast herd of hogs? Wild Javelina? The consumer?

There appears to be a searchlight or a lighthouse to the right side of the package. Is the creek of Canyon Creek Ranch so vast and broad as to maintain shipping lanes? The label tells you it's better than Bacon. I disagree. I tossed four Porky Knots into a skillet to serve with eggs, but the Knots were very hard and did not even taste better than flannel. The silver lining here though is that these Knots were made in the USA.

For a properly objective analysis, we must ask ourselves the same question we ask when confronted by any other object, situation or concept: are the Masons involved? It appears that they very well may be--notice the pyramidial shape of the Pork Knot on the label, wtih colored rays of light emanating from behind it. One is reminded of the All-seeing Eye on the back of the dollar. And that's Masonic, somehow.

You can rest assured that these Pork Knots were inspected, and held to the rigorous battery of quality control procedures created for pork skin products. The design of the Knot, however, is reminicent of a caltrop, and the middle Masonic pyramid part looks like it would go right through the roof of your mouth (or your pig's) upon biting into its deliciousness.

At least it's a giant pound; not some skin-flint, normal pound.

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